As another year draws to a close, I am filled with conflicting and contradictory feelings about the past year. Honestly, it was really a shitty one, following one that was in several ways just as bad. It started at the beginning of ’06 when my wife was 5 months pregnant after a year and a half of trying, the future bright with hope and promise. Unfortunately, we lost the baby in Feb. of ’06 due to complications no specialist could explain. Several surgeries and fertility treatments later, we are still in the frustrating, all encompassing throws of trying in vain to start our family, with time, finances and sanity running out. 2007 also saw both of our beloved pets die, They truly were the outlet for a great deal of our nurturing energy. One died of old age, the other completely unexpectedly. It saw a suicide attempt and subsequent ongoing psychiatric hospitalization that is severely weakening an already fragmented family. It saw some serious business and financial draughts. It was filled with one physical ailment and sickness after another. It has led to profound isolation and withdrawal, much turning within and hard introspection. I know, I know, bitch, bitch, moan, moan, wah, wah, but hey, this is my blog. I am inclined to write ‘2007’ on a piece of paper and go piss on it. But every time I think about doing this, I have a reoccurring feeling of gratitude rise up within me. I am very aware that things could be a whole hell of a lot worse, that by comparison to most of this world, I am still very lucky for both what I have, and what I am not besieged by. This year has also has given me several opportunities for growth that I would not have had otherwise. When I step outside of my extremely self-absorbed reality, and relax my self-pity for a moment, I begin to realize that everything I am going through has no real reason for happening, it just is. It is not like I am being targeted by some great being, a huge finger pointing down (or up) at me, saying ‘lets fuck with this guy for a while.’ And because of that, I might as well take advantage of these experiences and try to extrapolate what lessons I can from them, lessons I would not otherwise have access to. Will I try to be more compassionate and accepting where I might not have before? Sure. Will I try to be more kind and generous than I have in the past? You bet. Will I try to be more aware in general? Absolutely. What I will definitely do is exercise my ability to let go, for the one definite we all face in this lifetime (or any other for that matter) is change. Guaranteed. Sometimes it will be ‘good’ change, sometimes it will be ‘bad’ change, but there will always be change none the less. So, although I say ‘fuck off’ to ’07, and surely hope for more positivity in ’08, I realize I do owe some gratitude to ’07 as well, and realize as much as I can hope for positive, my deeper intent is to become more proficient at just rollin’ with it.
May all who read this, as well as all who don’t, have much happiness, peace and love in their lives, and may you all have the ability to find the strength, courage and wisdom to weather the storm of life when life is less than kind.